Mentorship can be a transformative experience, guiding you toward your purpose and helping you unlock your potential. But not all mentors are genuinely invested in your growth. While some seek to elevate and empower you, others are more concerned with control and self-interest. Understanding the thin line between a mentor and a tormentor is crucial to ensuring you’re in the right hands.

Mentor vs. Tormentor: Spot the Difference
A mentor and a tormentor may both present themselves as guides, but their intentions and actions reveal their true nature. Let’s break it down:

  • A Mentor Heals, a Tormentor Wounds: A mentor corrects to make you better. They offer constructive criticism to refine your skills and build your confidence. A tormentor corrects to shame you. They use criticism to belittle you, making you feel inadequate and dependent on their approval.
  • A Mentor Guides, a Tormentor Controls: A mentor leads with wisdom and encourages you to think independently. They respect your autonomy and trust your ability to make sound decisions. A tormentor seeks control over your every move. They dictate your actions, undermine your decisions, and make you feel incapable of succeeding without them.
  • A Mentor Builds, a Tormentor Drains: Mentors invest in your growth, offering resources, guidance, and connections to help you rise. Tormentors drain your energy, time, and creativity. They take credit for your work and use your talents to further their own ambitions without concern for your development.

How to Identify a Mentor vs. a Tormentor
Spotting the difference can be tricky, but here are key signs to watch for:
  • Value vs. Exploitation: A mentor sees your value and invests time and effort to help you thrive. They create opportunities for you to shine, not just serve them. A tormentor exploits your skills for their gain. For instance, a videographer may be invited to a high-profile event by a so-called mentor. Rather than introducing them to influential contacts, the mentor only instructs them to film their own interactions with important people, using the mentee as a mere tool to capture their moment in the spotlight.
  • Encouraging Your Voice vs. Silencing It: A mentor encourages your voice and respects your opinions, even when they differ from their own. A tormentor silences your voice, dismissing your ideas and dominating conversations with tales of their own success. They listen only to correct or criticize, making it difficult for you to fully express yourself.
  • Temporary Role vs. Permanent Control: A true mentor knows that their role is temporary. They want to see you stand on your own and cheer for you when you do. They know their purpose is to help you grow, not to keep you under their wing indefinitely. A tormentor, however, never wants to let you go. When you talk about leaving, it’s as if you’re committing the ultimate betrayal. They sabotage your next move, spreading doubt and fear to keep you tethered to them.
  • Correction to Elevate vs. Correction to Shame: Mentors correct to elevate you. They guide you through constructive feedback, showing you how to improve without breaking your spirit. Tormentors correct to shame you. Their feedback is harsh, condescending, and often public, intended to humiliate rather than help.
  • Empowerment vs. Control: Mentors empower you to take charge of your own life and decisions. They celebrate your success and encourage you to take credit for your work. Tormentors want to control your life and claim your achievements as their own. They want to own you and demand unwavering loyalty, making you feel as though walking away is rebellion and growth is disloyalty.
Why You Must Choose Wisely
If your mentor silences your voice, takes credit for your work, or makes you feel guilty for wanting to move forward, it’s time to reassess the relationship. You deserve guidance, not control. Seek out mentors who elevate you, not those who use you. Your purpose is too valuable to be sacrificed for someone else’s agenda.